my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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