I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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