; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
