Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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