There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
