can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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