Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
