her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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