don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
