FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
