apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
