Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
