This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
