All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
