i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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