This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
