Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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