You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
