The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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