She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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