i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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