Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
