wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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