If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
