I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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