Cold hands, warm shart.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
