so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
