i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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