Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
