wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
