Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
