She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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