And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
