and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
