well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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