made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
