Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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