remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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