And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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