I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
