Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
