Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
