She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
they're like a gay fantastic four
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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