hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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