the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
