so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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