I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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