Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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