Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
