Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
