i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
