at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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