i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
