Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i think i just lost a toe
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
