The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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