I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize