Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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