is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The air taste purple.
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