I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
