If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
