oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
