I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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